While you may have been looking forward to the day when all your children have left home, you may find that, once the day comes, instead of wanting to get out and enjoy your newfound freedom, you’re merely overcome with feelings of profound sadness and loneliness. If so, it’s probably because you’re suffering from empty nest syndrome, the name given to the psychological condition that affects women around the time one or more of their children leave home.
Empty nest syndrome encapsulates the feelings of sadness and loss that many women feel when their children no longer live with them or need their day-to-day care. The condition is most common in the fall when vast numbers of teenagers leave for university or college. However, it’s also experienced when a child marries, as this stage is also seen as a sign that Mom is no longer needed in quite the same way she once was.
When dealing with empty nest syndrome, it’s important not to be ashamed of your feelings; these are perfectly natural. It’s understandable that you will not only miss your child but that you will also miss feeling needed. So don’t worry if you find yourself sitting on your son’s bed and stroking his favorite t-shirt (the one he naturally forgot to pack!). For some women, their child’s leaving home coincides with other major life changes, such as menopause, retirement, or having to deal with elderly parents’ care. These can all add up to place a huge strain on a woman. However, if you find that you’re crying excessively or that you don’t want to mix with friends or go to work – and these feelings last longer than, say, a few weeks – you may benefit from professional help. For some women, their child’s departure may trigger repressed emotions resulting in depression, so it’s important to discuss with a medical professional if you’re feeling overwhelmed.
When your child has gone, it’s natural to want to keep in touch. However, it’s important not to become obsessive about it. This is a major step for your child so let him adjust. While your child will still want and need your support, let him be the one to come to you. Don’t become clingy or show that you’re upset. Your child is less inclined to get in touch if he knows that saying goodbye is particularly difficult for you. Emailing, rather than telephoning, will help you keep your emotions in check, and your child is likely to be more willing to express his feelings in this medium than he would on the telephone, where there’s a risk of others hearing. If you do telephone, ration your calls to no more than a couple each week.
While your child may confess that she’s miserable during the first few weeks away from home, don’t suggest that she comes straight back. (And any gloating at this admission should be done in private.) Your child will need to settle in and it can be a difficult time. The best approach is to offer your support, as well as words of encouragement, and remember that your child will get through this – as will you!
Talk with friends who may be in the same situation. And look on this time as the perfect opportunity to stop seeing yourself as Mom and to start making some changes. Start planning how to spend your new found freedom. If you’re single, and want a partner, consider extending your current circle of friends in the hope that this leads to meeting a mate.
If you’re in a relationship, then take this opportunity to spend quality time with your partner. For some couples, this is the time when they start taking life a little more leisurely and start rewarding themselves with vacations and extended hours on the golf course. However, for other couples, instead of rediscovering one another, this time alone only serves to highlight the flaws in their relationship that over the years have become deeper but have also been ignored because of other priorities. If this is the case in your situation, you will need to decide whether relationship counseling will help or whether it’s time to go your separate ways.
If the demands of motherhood have held you back professionally, then now’s the time to jump start your career or land the job you’ve always wanted. You may also want to consider further education or re-training: Not only is this a great way to get ahead professionally, but it will give you the opportunity to meet other people and could open up a whole new social circle to you.
The feelings of sadness that accompany empty nest syndrome will pass. Congratulate yourself on having raised children who are now able to make their own way in the world. They may not need you in quite the same way they once did, but that doesn’t mean you’re any less important to them. And while you may not enjoy the rewards of motherhood now your brood has flown the coop, embracing your new lifestyle will bring its own rewards.